(Breakfast at the kitchen table.)
Oscar: Bug!
(I look around.)
Me: Where?
Oscar: (Pointing) There! Bug!
(There is a teeny, tiny flying creature. The kind of bug that almost doesn't qualify as a separate being in the universe. I wave my napkin in its direction.)
Me: Okay, bug, be gone. (Waving) Go away.
(I stop. I no longer see the creature.)
Me: Huh. Where did he go? Did I get him?
Oscar: (Peering in the corner) Where is he?
Me: I don't know. Maybe I got him?
(I move on, picking up my mug of tea.)
Oscar: Why don't bugs want to be smashed?
Me: Well, I don't know that I smashed him. He might have flown away.
Oscar: But why do they not want to be smashed?
Me: Mmm, I don't know. I've never talked to a bug. But I know that I wouldn't want to be smashed.
Oscar: Oh.
(Pause)
Oscar: What happens to the bug?
Me: When?
Oscar: When the bug is smashed.
Me: Well. The bug dies.
(Long pause)
Oscar: Oh.
*
(I have just started making dinner. Suddenly, Oscar runs into the workroom and begins talking in the direction of one of our rolling file contraptions.)
Oscar: (Quite loudly, with emphasis) Uhhhhh . . . can I have a . . . can I --
(I recognize this voice. This is Oscar pretending to have a grown-up transaction.)
Oscar: Ccc . . . Can I --
Me: Yes, sir?
Oscar: (Very, very loudly) Hello! I'm talking into a speaker! And I'm ordering food out of my car because it's a drive-through!
(I'm still husting around the kitchen, assembling our meal.)
Me: Yes, sir. What can I get you?
Oscar: Can I . . . uh . . . can I have two . . . bowls of quesadillas . . . with cheese and salsa, please?
(This is exactly the meal for which I've assembled the ingredients!)
Me: Yes, certainly. (Grating cheese) Anything else?
Oscar: Yes! Um.
(Oscar is trying to figure out what else I'm making.)
Me: Would you care for some beet salad to go with that, sir?
Oscar: Yes! Beet salad would work.
(I'm tossing the salad, trying to remain nonchalant about Oscar requesting to eat the meal I've planned for us.)
Me: All right then! Two bowls of quesadiallas with cheese and salsa. Beet salad. Anything else?
Oscar: Do you . . . have bubbly water in this restaurant?
(He is obsessed with bubbly water.)
Me: Sure. That's one bubbly water, coming up.
Oscar: And do you have . . . any fruit at all?
Me: I . . . I think we have some oranges. Would you like one? Maybe after the quesadillas?
Oscar: Yes, maybe as just . . . a little treat?
Me: Sure.
(I flip a quesadilla and pour the bubbly.)
Oscar: And! Ummm . . . did you treat the animals well?
(This is new.)
Me: The animals?
(It's a meatless meal, but his concern is nonetheless commendable.)
Me: Yes, sir. The cheese is organic.
Oscar: Okay, you treated them well?
Me: Yes, the cows are happy!
Oscar: Because I didn't know if you did.
Me: We did! Definitely.
Oscar: Okay, then. Bye!
*
(Oscar catches me by surprise with this one.)
Oscar: Mommy?
Me: Yes?
Oscar: How did the first person grow without any person growing them in their tummy?
Me: Hmm?
(Wha . . . ?)
Oscar: How did the first person grow without any person growing them in their tummy?
(Significant pause)
Me: You've asked a very important question.
Oscar: Oh.
(Ummm . . .)
Me: The truth is that nobody . . . knows for sure. A lot of people have a lot of different ideas about that.
Oscar: Oh.
Me: What I mean is . . . Nobody can say for sure because it happened so long ago that no one who is alive today was alive then. You see?
Oscar: Oh.
Me: So.
(Oscar seems dissatisfied. I take a new tack.)
Me: What do you think? Do you have any ideas?
(Pause)
Oscar: My first idea is that somebody put a little egg machine into the ground . . . and that's how they grew.
Me: Oh. An egg machine.
Oscar: Yes, a machine.
(I can't resist.)
Me: Who do you think put the egg machine into the ground?
Oscar: An egg machine made the eggs . . .
(Pause)
Oscar: Somehow it must have been made by an egg machine that was under the ground . . . like it was in a store that the machine just built. Maybe that.
Me: Any other ideas?
Oscar: The second one is I think somebody put a spur into . . . a spur went into an egg that went underground.
(It takes me a moment to recognize that he's referring to sperm. I think Brandon is responsible for that one.)
Oscar: That's all my ideas because that's how the egg grew. The spur helps the egg grow.
Me: Right.
